Let Love Grow...Seriously, Give it a Chance.

My friend got married last week, and on their wedding website she pretty much said, "I'm marrying the guy I made fun of in a group chat with my friends". I thought it was funny, so obviously I read the rest of the story.

It was one of those where she had an assumption about who he would be, it was all fun and jokes until they got talking and he turned out to be amazing. So amazing that she now calls him the love of her life, and they've vowed to spend forever together.

Now, this is one story where she gave him a chance, even when he seemed laughable. At the very least, we can say it wasn’t love at first sight, a.k.a. no obvious chemistry. Today’s 21^st century love script  in a 'no chemistry' situation probably says, “nah, the guy would probably fit in the friend zone”. Right? How about we talk a little about seeing beyond the 21st-century ingredients for love and instant attraction?

Photo credit: Katy.Tresedder via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

Oftentimes, we take chemistry to be the utmost requirement for relationships. But as Christians, people who don't date not for the sake of dating, but who do so to meet someone whose company we enjoy enough to do forever with, chemistry should only be one piece of the puzzle.

Think back to your first crush (think humans, not soda). Now, count the number of crushes you've had since you started having those. You may even throw in your celebrity crush days in here. Tally that up. So, how many people have you had chemistry with? Now, how many of them have lasted? Why then do we give such a fleeting emotion so much weight in our relationship decisions?

Adam Marshall in his article, Finding Your Wife in Your Friendzone, says that "deep and romantic attachment is the product, not the catalyst, of a loving relationship"...and I couldn't agree more.
When you consider chemistry as what it is- a form of sexual attraction. Placing too much of an emphasis on it at the beginning of the relationship may be a direct flouting of all the Songs of Songs' warnings- not to stir up love or excite it until the time is right and one is ready. There are three different verses that say this same thing in that book (2:7, 3:5, 8:4), pointing to how much God acknowledges our tendencies to want to go all out much sooner than we should.

If chemistry is an important part of love and loving, which also cannot be treated as the ultimate thing, how then should we treat it?  I'll rely on far wiser people who have written on this topic to help me conclude.

Candice Watters, one of my favourite people from boundless.org (an online resource that aims to help young adults grow up, own their faith, date with purpose and prepare for marriage and family) had this to say about the importance of good chemistry:

I think the problem [..] is that we look for chemistry prematurely, and we have unrealistic expectations of how far it can take us.  [...]  [If] it sounds like you have a great man in your life. Are you friends? That is foundational. Are you both committed to living for Christ? That is essential. Do you spur one-another on in your faith and service to God? Are you together looking toward a God-honoring, fruitful marriage? These are the first questions to answer. From there, you can let love grow. And as I've seen in the stories of others, chemistry may rightly follow. If your boyfriend and you aren't meeting with a mentor couple, now would be a great time to start. They can help you think through the soundness of your relationship, pray with you, ask questions that can help you get clarity about your future together and give you some perspective. Do you know a married couple (whose marriage you admire) you could meet with? Pray for this. Such a friendship can make a dramatic difference in the momentum of your relationship. 

And Adam Marshall still in the article about Finding Your Wife in Your Friendzone, had this to say: 

A sense of chemistry may be there in the beginning, but if it’s not — or, more importantly, if it wanes at times — it’s not time to throw up your hands and call it quits. Instead, the decision of whether to start or stay in a relationship may best be made by looking at the choices and actions of the one you’re with. Do they respect you? Do they serve you? Do they admire you? Do they care for you with words, hands and feet, as well as their heart?

It may not sound as sexy as the ecstatic "Oh the moment our eyes met, we knew we were meant to be!", but hey, let love grow and you just might be pleasantly surprised.

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